A working Mum's experience of depression
An interview with a working mother in her 40s who suffers from depression, to gain some insight into her experience.
How old were you when you first realised that you suffered from depression?
I was 41 and had been suffering from post-natal depression for two years without realising what was wrong. I was then diagnosed as having manic depression, and realised I had been suffering from this for many years.
What was your earliest recollection of an experience related to depression?
I think it was when I was about 18 and my parents were splitting up. I was very supportive to my Mother and sister for a few months then I just completely ‘crashed’ – I realise now that it was due to the depression. I can look back at various stages in my life now and recognise times that I was depressed.
Was there a family history and did this help or hinder you?
There is a family history, although I did not know it for a long time. I knew my sister had suffered from post-natal depression, but had not known that both my Mother and Grandmother also had depression. My Mother was on anti-depressants while I was growing up, but had not told my sister and me about her illness. I think she was doing this to protect us and in the hope that we did not have depression.
If there was a family history, what was it like growing up with these issues around you?
As I wasn’t aware of my Mother’s depression, I thought the times when she was unwell were to do with my parents not getting on. I now understand that my Mother’s depression is incident-related, so each time there was a crisis in her life, such as a death in the family, she would suffer a bout of depression. I thought that this was ‘normal’ behaviour for people to react to a trauma or sadness by ‘crashing’, and it is only recently I have realised that there are other ways to react and deal with situations.
Did you share your ‘condition’ with others such as close friends?
After I was diagnosed I did tell close friends. Some friends were very supportive, but others couldn’t deal with it at all and had the attitude that I should just ‘snap out of it’. I did have to distance myself from some of these friends, and over time I have also made some new friends who are very supportive and understanding.
Has it affected your relationships with others?
Yes it has. My husband finds it hard to deal with as he has to live with my illness as well. When I am depressed I simply cannot function normally. This affects practical things like running the house, cooking and cleaning; it impacts on our social life (there was a time where I did not want to go out of the front door and had major anxiety attacks), and obviously on our relationship. In some ways it has got harder for him to cope with as time has gone on.
My five year old daughter understands that sometimes Mummy has days when I am feeling low and tired. I obviously hope she will not suffer from depression in the future and it is hard to find a balance of being open and honest with her, but not assuming she has depression when she behaves in a certain way.
Has it had an impact on your working life?
Yes, it has had a big impact on work at times. There have been severe bouts of depression when I have been unable to work. I am a teaching assistant and have discussed my illness with my employers. They have offered support and there is occupational health there if I need it. However, it has been very difficult. Employers need to be supportive as well to any of their employees suffering depression. There are a lot of guidelines and advice for them to follow. Individual colleagues have reacted differently, in the same way other friends have.
When I am unwell I have to try and maintain my work, so end up putting all my energy into work, then am completely drained and flat when I am at home, which puts more strain on home life.
How old were you when you were medically diagnosed?
I was 41 and had been suffering for two years since the birth of my daughter. I had a difficult pregnancy and my daughter was premature so it was a very stressful time. I did not know it was depression and so was getting no help or support. When we brought our baby home, I had a lot of paranoia about security and had new locks put on all the doors. I had a lot of morbid thoughts and did not want to take her out of the house.
Eventually I saw a different doctor. She asked me three simple questions along the lines of ‘Are you happy? Are you able to enjoy your daughter? Are you able to do day-to-day things?’ My answers to these questions meant she was very quickly able to diagnose post-natal depression.
She then referred me for treatment. I was lucky in that we had private health cover, so I was referred to The Priory where I saw a psychiatrist and cognitive behaviour therapist. I continue to have regular check-ups with them to review my medication and condition.
Did diagnosis help you treat your symptoms?
Yes, diagnosis did really help me. I had felt very alone and isolated, but after diagnosis have had a lot of help and support. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I have this illness permanently and have to learn how to manage it.
Did/do you get medication or some other form of treatment?
Yes, I am on medication. I take a new drug called Duloxetine every day and have regular check-ups to make sure the dosage is right.
I also have cognitive behavioural therapy, which has helped me a lot. I have learnt to do things which make me feel better such as being out in the fresh air, warm weather, sleep more, not committing to doing too much. Remembering things that make me happy really helps too – for me that include dancing, art and being creative.
Yoga, pilates and other relaxing exercise helps with treating the symptoms of depression and can help with sleep.
GP’s surgeries also have different approaches to treating depression. For example, I know a friend who had post-natal depression said her surgery created a support group and put Mums who were suffering together, organising activities each week and teaching lots of self-help.
Which was the most helpful form of treatment?
Cognitive behavioural therapy has been invaluable to me and I would recommend it to anyone. It is used for many different kinds of illnesses and conditions. It teaches you to release memories, which contribute to depression. You don’t have to analyse or talk about the memories in detail, but it helps you confront them and deal with them. For me issues such as my parents splitting up, cancer and death in the family are all memories that I have learnt to deal with through CBT.
Do you think being a woman helped or hindered your access to help for depression?
I think both men and women find it hard to ask for help with depression. As I suffered from post-natal depression it was hard for me to deal with the fact that I could not cope as a new Mother, and I felt like I was a failure. So in that respect as a woman, I found it hard to ask for help.
Do you think there is a still a stigma attached to having depression?
Yes, I do. It is crazy when you consider just how many people are affected by depression, but there is still a stigma about it. Depression is a long-term illness. It is not something that you can just ‘snap out of’.
How does this stigma affect you getting help for depression?
People do feel you should come off the medication, but as depression is about your ‘wiring’ being wrong, it is extremely important to stay on the medication as advised by your GP. There is still a lot of stigma about anti-depressants, which needs to change.
What do you think could, most usefully, be done to alter this attitude?
I think there should be more articles and coverage in the media. Just after I was diagnosed, I saw a feature on ‘This Morning’ on television about post-natal depression. A group of celebrities including Fern Britton and Katie Price were talking honestly about their experiences. It helped me enormously to realise that I was not alone. I suddenly felt normal again, after two years of feeling dreadful that I was not coping as a Mother.
Knowing that famous, successful people such as Winston Churchill and Stephen Fry suffer from depression, helps make people more aware of the illness and its debilitating effects.
What advice would you give to someone who thinks they may be suffering from depression?
Go to your GP and talk about how you are feeling. Ask to be referred to a specialist and local help groups. It is important to take the medication they prescribe, but treatment for depression is about more than tablets. Accepting your illness is a massive part of moving forward and managing your depression, and managing your lifestyle is very important.
It is important to find a professional who you can talk to and relate to, so if you don’t get on with the doctor you see then find someone else. You may prefer to talk to a nurse at the surgery, or talk to a close friend. You will be surprised to discover how many people around you have either suffered depression themselves or know someone close to them who has. New Mothers could talk to their health visitor about any concerns with the way they are feeling.
Depression is not something to be ashamed of. It is an illness that can be managed so make sure you get the help you need.
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