A 40 year old man's experience of depression
Get some insight into the experience of depression from a male point of view. Read the real life story and it's inspirational conclusion in this interview with a 40 year old man. He is a Social worker, who has suffered from depression since he was a teenager.
How old were you when you first realised that you suffered from depression?
I first had proper awareness that I suffered from depression when I was in my early twenties. However, I am sure it was there much earlier and when I looked back I could see the signs from about 13 years old. I had written a diary and when I re-read it, I could clearly see my state of mind. Maybe it was there in earlier childhood but the awareness was not there at that time. Plus I had a troubled childhood so I had other concerns that took my attention.
What was your earliest recollection of an experience related to depression?
This is difficult to pin point as there are so many.
One experience stands out in my mind. I was so depressed on my thirteenth birthday that I spent a lot of time writing lists of what was wrong with my life and I stated that it had no chance of getting any better.
I also think that my problematic and deprived childhood also predisposed me to depression. We had quite a hard life as we were so hard up. My mother was clinically depressed and my father was pretty absent. I was also a victim of abuse. So life was tough, unpredictable and frightening.
Was there a family history and did this help or hinder you?
There is a clear family history – my Mother, Grandfather and Great Uncle all suffered from clinical depression. My sister also suffers. All these family members, except my sister, have at some point been hospitalized because of depression. Genetically my family is clearly predisposed to depression
As a child I was aware of it but not directly. I think my mother maybe tried to protect me by presenting it in different ways. Her illness also prevented her from really looking after me as a mother should. It was normal to me that life was this way – I did not know it was a product of my mother’s depressive illness as well as other family issues.
Although my sister is also depressed, we have discussed it and have concluded that her depression is different. She has reactive as opposed to clinical depression. She is fine unless some trauma happens. My clinical depression can occur for no particular reason – this is what makes it so inexplicable to some people.
The fact that clinical depression was in the family only helped me to the extent that my family accepted my illness and understood my behaviour. However, at the same time the family also saw it as something shameful that was not to be discussed. This initially probably stopped me getting outside help sooner – or made me wary of acknowledging I was feeling bad. This was ultimately not helpful for me.
How was growing up with these issues around you?
It was very, very difficult. As a child I never got any support or help at home – my father left when I was four years old and my main carer/parent was clinically depressed. It meant that I had to grow up quickly and I had to take up the burden of my responsibility for my main carer’s issues. I was worried to do or say anything that made my mother’s illness worse. I therefore could not acknowledge any problems and kept them in myself. I think this is how my depression got started. I was essentially very vulnerable and unprotected as a child.
Did you share your ‘condition’ with others such as close friends?
No – absolutely no one. It was not until I was 20 to 21 years old, when I had a nervous breakdown and attempted suicide, that I was forced to share with anyone. I then had no choice but to acknowledge that I had big issue in my life which I could no longer manage or ignore.
Has it affected your relationships with others?
Yes – all the time. This is less of an issue now than when I was younger. All the work I have done means that I am more aware and can try to do something different.
However, in the past I could not talk about it to anyone. When I did start talking about it I was more able to discuss it with women, as they are more open and less judgemental, but not men.
Having said this I realise that my depression really affected my early female relationships, as at the time I did not explain my condition. I did not talk to any of my male friends at all as I think they would perceive me as weak or less than a man. Men are seen to have to cope.
This has changed and I now have shared with men in my life, though this is still a selective process. I could only do this after I had done a considerable amount of therapy.
One thing that really helped me was a support group I joined for very depressed men. Sharing with other men was a revelation. One of those has since committed suicide, the rest are all now managing their illness. So I learnt that it can be turned around and it is ok to talk to other men.
How old were you when you were medically diagnosed?
About 20 years old.
Did diagnosis really help you treat your symptoms?
Yes – it helped me to understand and then accept my condition. This was the first step. Then I was able to access medication and other treatment. Despite my family background the diagnosis was still quite a shock.
I got referred by my GP to a psychiatrist who diagnosed severe chronic depression. This means that I have a long term and repetitive condition. It is not curable but it can be managed and treated.
My diagnosis was also a double edged sword. On the one hand, family experiences and attitude had made me feel negative about the illness but, on the other hand, I also perceived that it was an opportunity to change the family’s experience and my life.
The issue with depression is that if you do not suffer from it you find it difficult to understand. This is particularly bad for men relating to other men. As a lack of understanding can lead to ridicule and intolerance by men who are not themselves depressed.
I have learnt to manage and deal with the range of severity of my illness. A mild form could mean me simply generally being negative, whereas a severe incidence can mean that I cannot even leave the house or function normally. However, the difference now is that I have options and I can overcome these issues a lot quicker. So depression no longer runs my life.
Did you get medication or some other form of treatment?
Yes – I got anti-depressants which I took for two years. I have taken them on and off since. I do not take anti-depressants continually as am concerned about the long term side effects. In addition, I am fortunate that the therapies I have undertaken (such as CBT – cognitive behaviour therapy) have allowed me to manage my illness in this way.
Once the medication had stabilised my condition I went on to have psycho dynamic therapy and eventually CBT.
Cognitive behaviour therapy was a real revelation and very helpful. It helps you not only deal with the feelings but also to come up with a strategy to live your life better. It has empowered me around my depression.
Which was the most helpful form of treatment?
A think the combination has been the most helpful.
The medication gave me the breathing space to develop the other strategies to manage my depression. They are not mutually exclusive.
Do you think being a man helped or hindered your access to help for depression?
Being a man definitely hindered it – not due to the health services but because of how society views it. I was too proud to ask for help, especially as a young man. It conflicted with what society’s message is about how men should be!
I can also see how an older man, experiencing depression for the first time and set in his ways, could also find it doubly hard to get help.
Macho characteristics stand in the way of people getting help. Stress, trauma, bereavement are all meant to be something men should cope with. I think this is the reason why men with depression do not seek help and why there is a higher suicide rate amongst men.
How does this stigma affect men getting help for depression?
Men just don’t ask for help and do not want it publicly acknowledged. Also male self-esteem is closely linked to their work or ability to succeed. This is a big barrier to men seeking help, as a diagnosis of depression could mean a man leaving his job and becoming unemployable. There is a big stigma which society needs to reverse.
What do you think could, most usefully, be done to alter this attitude?
It is a societal issue and I think it will take time to change. A first step is greater awareness. I applaud public figures such as Alistair Campbell who come out about their depression. Every public discussion that is had contributes to a shift in societies attitudes. In our lifetime 1 in 4 of us will suffer from depression. If we do not acknowledge it or talk about it then it won’t be dealt with and it is my belief that it does not benefit society to do this.
And the future...
I would like to tell any man or women reading this article, who are suffering from depression or who know someone who is, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Though, sadly, depressed people never feel that. The key thing to remember is that you must have faith and a willingness to involve yourself and be open to what the problem is. Once you accept and find faith then you are able to take steps to ameliorate the depression and to manage your environment positively. Important steps to take could be to:
- Build a good and understanding support network and use it
- Use all your treatment options (find what works for you, as we are all individual)
- Eat well – a good healthy balanced diet
- Avoid heavy drinking and recreational drug use
- Avoid situations that could trigger your depression
- Exercise or do activities that release endorphins and make you feel good, such as walking in the country.
If you do all these things, life will get better.
I am having a hard time at the moment but 20 years ago I would have been on my knees in similar circumstances. Due to the medications and other treatments, and the steps I use as outlined above, I can truly say that I have been on a journey which I am now actively managing. Life is good.
YourDoc Medical comments:
If you suspect that you may be depressed or you know someone that you suspect may be suffering from depression please go to see your doctor or persuade them to see their doctor, to get some advice/guidance in how to deal with your situation. With the real life situation above – his life was turned around when he sought help and began accepting and dealing with the situation – we want this to be possible for more people. We hope this article has been helpful to you.
Other resources to get useful help and advice on Depression:
http://www.depressionalliance.org
http://www.nhs.uk/Pathways/depression/Pages/Landing.aspx
http://www.sane.org.uk ( please also see the PDF factsheet by clicking on the link)
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